I’m going through the changes…

lately, my life has changed a lot and yet, not at all.

I got myself a job then lost it for my second year of uni, which was hell for me, because I lived on a street where fast food was within eyesight of every window. I gained a lot of weight cause I have next to no self control. I got really sad.

I’m probably depressed. I’ve probably been depressed for a while and not really twigged it before. I don’t really want to admit it to myself because I hear people say they’re depressed under their breath as an off-handed comment. I fear it won’t be taken seriously.

But the day before yesterday, I spoke to my councilor, (I have one for my autism as a compulsory requirement of the university I go to) and she recommended that I go to my GP and talk to them about it because she herself went through something similar and her life has been better for her ever since she got treatment. I’m just sick of feeling like I’m stuck in a hole unable to do anything to get out, forced to watch people walk around me with everything going well for them, and not having the ability to call out for a rope.

I intend to call someone soon.

My so called ‘uni life’ has taken a better turn this year, if I can call it that. I’m attending more sessions than I did in my second year. 2nd year for me was a whole lot of sleeping whole days away and cramming my face full of crap. How I’ve managed to keep a girlfriend interested in myself is beyond me. By all accounts she shouldn’t be. I take one look at her and I see the opposite of myself, someone I want to be: motivated, beautiful, sound of mind, intelligent.

People tell me I shouldn’t compare myself. I know they’re right but I couldn’t give a rat’s ass, it’s too obvious to me.

My career choice is looking grim now, I don’t think I can be a teacher now after looking even further into it and the discouragement from my mother. My dissertation is non-existent aside from the unconnected ramblings of someone desperate to impress someone, anyone. I have never been more lost in my short life.

I’m sorry if this seems like a downer of a post, but the truth is I’m not looking for sympathy. If anything I just want to get my shitty thoughts on paper (or rather screen), take a good look at them and get a clear head-space.

It’s not like everything is shit mind you.

My course is the most interesting it’s ever been, I’m looking at children’s language acquisition, Irish novels and the ability to write adaptations for my first term, all of which so far have been at least interesting and at most inspiring.

My girlfriend continues to support me and so do my family (despite the niggling sensation in the back of my mind that they think different of me all the time.)

I have no idea what I’m going to do after this third year ends, and I hate it when people ask me, so I’ve decided that I’m just going to focus on getting this degree, which will more likely than not prove to be of no use to me in the future because that would be just my luck, and relaxing for something like a year… yeah… maybe get my driving license… and a job too, those are always good…ish.


It’s been a while…

Well, I really thought I would be uploading blog posts more often than I have been, but this past year has been one of my most hectic.

The main reason is university.

This is the first time I have lived away from home, alone, for more than a week… and I’m really enjoying it! The independence I feel just from cooking and cleaning may sound trivial to someone who has lived their life independently for ages, but to someone like me, who has been basically spoon-fed for their entire existence, this is one of the best things to happen to me.

I am loving my university experience, and the help I’ve been receiving is remarkable! I have heard horror stories from various student bulletins of horrible experiences for those with disabilities, but the uni I go to has been excellent in keeping me sane.

I receive two 1 hour sessions from social skill workers, who might as well be psychiatrists, as I tend to spill all my problems within the first few minutes of meeting with them. They have helped me organise my time efficiently and have been sympathetic to my minor outbursts.

One such good example was the near breakdown I felt from hearing my mother had breast cancer (she’s all clear now, which is excellent), and they helped me through the depressing state of living away from someone I love very much while they are having difficulties I can’t help them with.

It got so bad back home that they even purchased a dog! The dog is very sweet, but I have only met him once, so I’m worried that he’ll have trouble getting used to me in the coming three weeks when I return home for the Christmas holidays.

In short, I apologise for the distinct lack of news from me, but as I previously mentioned, I have been busy. Despite the general consensus that 2016 has been pretty poor, it has been quite good for me, as it is the year that marks a new chapter in my life.

I will continue part 3 eventually! Just thought I would update you (whoever reads this) on why I haven’t been writing as much.

Thank you for reading!