I’m going through the changes…

lately, my life has changed a lot and yet, not at all.

I got myself a job then lost it for my second year of uni, which was hell for me, because I lived on a street where fast food was within eyesight of every window. I gained a lot of weight cause I have next to no self control. I got really sad.

I’m probably depressed. I’ve probably been depressed for a while and not really twigged it before. I don’t really want to admit it to myself because I hear people say they’re depressed under their breath as an off-handed comment. I fear it won’t be taken seriously.

But the day before yesterday, I spoke to my councilor, (I have one for my autism as a compulsory requirement of the university I go to) and she recommended that I go to my GP and talk to them about it because she herself went through something similar and her life has been better for her ever since she got treatment. I’m just sick of feeling like I’m stuck in a hole unable to do anything to get out, forced to watch people walk around me with everything going well for them, and not having the ability to call out for a rope.

I intend to call someone soon.

My so called ‘uni life’ has taken a better turn this year, if I can call it that. I’m attending more sessions than I did in my second year. 2nd year for me was a whole lot of sleeping whole days away and cramming my face full of crap. How I’ve managed to keep a girlfriend interested in myself is beyond me. By all accounts she shouldn’t be. I take one look at her and I see the opposite of myself, someone I want to be: motivated, beautiful, sound of mind, intelligent.

People tell me I shouldn’t compare myself. I know they’re right but I couldn’t give a rat’s ass, it’s too obvious to me.

My career choice is looking grim now, I don’t think I can be a teacher now after looking even further into it and the discouragement from my mother. My dissertation is non-existent aside from the unconnected ramblings of someone desperate to impress someone, anyone. I have never been more lost in my short life.

I’m sorry if this seems like a downer of a post, but the truth is I’m not looking for sympathy. If anything I just want to get my shitty thoughts on paper (or rather screen), take a good look at them and get a clear head-space.

It’s not like everything is shit mind you.

My course is the most interesting it’s ever been, I’m looking at children’s language acquisition, Irish novels and the ability to write adaptations for my first term, all of which so far have been at least interesting and at most inspiring.

My girlfriend continues to support me and so do my family (despite the niggling sensation in the back of my mind that they think different of me all the time.)

I have no idea what I’m going to do after this third year ends, and I hate it when people ask me, so I’ve decided that I’m just going to focus on getting this degree, which will more likely than not prove to be of no use to me in the future because that would be just my luck, and relaxing for something like a year… yeah… maybe get my driving license… and a job too, those are always good…ish.

It’s been a while…

Well, I really thought I would be uploading blog posts more often than I have been, but this past year has been one of my most hectic.

The main reason is university.

This is the first time I have lived away from home, alone, for more than a week… and I’m really enjoying it! The independence I feel just from cooking and cleaning may sound trivial to someone who has lived their life independently for ages, but to someone like me, who has been basically spoon-fed for their entire existence, this is one of the best things to happen to me.

I am loving my university experience, and the help I’ve been receiving is remarkable! I have heard horror stories from various student bulletins of horrible experiences for those with disabilities, but the uni I go to has been excellent in keeping me sane.

I receive two 1 hour sessions from social skill workers, who might as well be psychiatrists, as I tend to spill all my problems within the first few minutes of meeting with them. They have helped me organise my time efficiently and have been sympathetic to my minor outbursts.

One such good example was the near breakdown I felt from hearing my mother had breast cancer (she’s all clear now, which is excellent), and they helped me through the depressing state of living away from someone I love very much while they are having difficulties I can’t help them with.

It got so bad back home that they even purchased a dog! The dog is very sweet, but I have only met him once, so I’m worried that he’ll have trouble getting used to me in the coming three weeks when I return home for the Christmas holidays.

In short, I apologise for the distinct lack of news from me, but as I previously mentioned, I have been busy. Despite the general consensus that 2016 has been pretty poor, it has been quite good for me, as it is the year that marks a new chapter in my life.

I will continue part 3 eventually! Just thought I would update you (whoever reads this) on why I haven’t been writing as much.

Thank you for reading!

My Aspergers Diagnosis Pt.II

If you’re reading this I will assume that you have read my previous blog and wish to find out the no doubt riveting and thrilling continuation of my story. Well here’s the problem, my life has had ups and downs but nothing I would call out of the ordinary.

The media today paints Autism as either; something utterly remarkable and rare, for example Jacob Barnett, a noted Autistic individual 18 years old and having determined things Newton and Einstein had never even considered at the young age of 10, or they portray Autism as the social disability it is, with a hint of tragedy laced around the edges. I myself can say that I am of neither extreme but rather, an equalizer between the two. I perceive all the social anxieties every day whilst also noting things that people may not have perceived at all, for example micro-expressions, or pattern recognition that a neuro-typical mind might not grasp.

Now I don’t want to put across an image of pretentiousness to any readers, so I’ll just say now that though we with Aspergers and Autism can be exceptional, it doesn’t mean we aren’t prone to mistakes. I myself have made many, and I can’t say that I’ve learnt from every single one, because another element of Aspergers is a stubbornness to remain; to fight change

In my family and social circles, I am notoriously stubborn. It is purely my nature and reflects my solidarity in decisions that I make, whether good or bad. This ranges from small things such as my 3 year old self going to a gymnastics event, deciding to neglect the activities and instead take every single plush bunny rabbit hidden in the room (there was an Easter event on) to make a nest. Needless to say if another child were to approach me I would tell them that they weren’t to touch any of them because they were mine. But my stubbornness also affected much bigger things in my life, such as my wishes against my parents to pursue things I wanted to pursue, joining a band, going to Sixth-form, moving away to university, etc. Sometimes you have to look past what can be seen as bad qualities and see the good in them, as cliche’ as that may sound. Without my voice and opinion, I would be doing things I never wanted to do, and sometimes parents may think they know what is good for their children, which more often than not they will, and don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my parents, and I have no idea how I will cope living away fending for myself, but independence is a valuable thing that nobody should take away.

I will leave on that fairly satisfying close, and I will pick up part 3 when I’m up for it.

My Aspergers Diagnosis

This is my first blog. I should probably explain why, out of all the topics I could write about, I picked my diagnosis. I have never looked for a pity party talking about my Aspergers, but I feel that the difficulties and strains on people with my disability are never really understood, at least in my experience. I suppose in a sense I just want to write this to organise my world in a written format that I can share with the world utilizing a safe sense of anonymity.

I’ll start with a little bit of background on myself:

I am a British student who has just finished sixth-form and will be leaving for university in September of this year. For the longest period of my life up until this very moment I have been heavily involved in music. You could say that music is my strongest link to autism. It is my obsession, a trait or characteristic which in most cases, makes an individual with autism the very person they exist to be. This was one of the earlier signs for my parents indicating my condition, though not the first. Within two years of my birth I suddenly went quiet. By quiet, my parents meant that I suddenly refused to do anything, including talking and walking, things I had been able to do with very little issue before hand. They also explained to me that I simply refused to be touched, meaning physical contact such as hugging or kissing, which looking back must have hurt them more than it must have hurt me. I was taken to a child psychiatrist in 2002, and my diagnosis was confirmed.

I was not made aware of the information immediately however, which, in hindsight, I can’t say whether or not it was a good or bad thing, seeing as I probably wasn’t aware enough to really perceive the meaning behind such a diagnosis. I can’t recall the exact age I was told but around 5-7 years of age, I was informed in the bath-tub. Understandably I had questions: “Is Autistic the same as Artistic?” “What does that mean?” “If I’m Autistic does that mean I’m from the Arctic?” Looking back they seem quite funny for questions, but needless to say my first reaction for my mother’s explanation of my condition to me was “That explains everything!”

A veil had been lifted from my eyes and I could understand exactly how my life would be structured for the rest of my life. One of my earlier questions was understandably, for someone who doesn’t know anything about the condition was: “Is there a cure?” To which the blunt response was “No”. For a little while I was a bit blown out, because I wondered, “How on earth am I supposed to be like my friends at school?” but my mother explained to me all the various benefits and said that I was simply more unique than I realised.

In my next blog, I will detail further different elements of my life as an autistic.