lately, my life has changed a lot and yet, not at all.
I got myself a job then lost it for my second year of uni, which was hell for me, because I lived on a street where fast food was within eyesight of every window. I gained a lot of weight cause I have next to no self control. I got really sad.
I’m probably depressed. I’ve probably been depressed for a while and not really twigged it before. I don’t really want to admit it to myself because I hear people say they’re depressed under their breath as an off-handed comment. I fear it won’t be taken seriously.
But the day before yesterday, I spoke to my councilor, (I have one for my autism as a compulsory requirement of the university I go to) and she recommended that I go to my GP and talk to them about it because she herself went through something similar and her life has been better for her ever since she got treatment. I’m just sick of feeling like I’m stuck in a hole unable to do anything to get out, forced to watch people walk around me with everything going well for them, and not having the ability to call out for a rope.
I intend to call someone soon.
My so called ‘uni life’ has taken a better turn this year, if I can call it that. I’m attending more sessions than I did in my second year. 2nd year for me was a whole lot of sleeping whole days away and cramming my face full of crap. How I’ve managed to keep a girlfriend interested in myself is beyond me. By all accounts she shouldn’t be. I take one look at her and I see the opposite of myself, someone I want to be: motivated, beautiful, sound of mind, intelligent.
People tell me I shouldn’t compare myself. I know they’re right but I couldn’t give a rat’s ass, it’s too obvious to me.
My career choice is looking grim now, I don’t think I can be a teacher now after looking even further into it and the discouragement from my mother. My dissertation is non-existent aside from the unconnected ramblings of someone desperate to impress someone, anyone. I have never been more lost in my short life.
I’m sorry if this seems like a downer of a post, but the truth is I’m not looking for sympathy. If anything I just want to get my shitty thoughts on paper (or rather screen), take a good look at them and get a clear head-space.
It’s not like everything is shit mind you.
My course is the most interesting it’s ever been, I’m looking at children’s language acquisition, Irish novels and the ability to write adaptations for my first term, all of which so far have been at least interesting and at most inspiring.
My girlfriend continues to support me and so do my family (despite the niggling sensation in the back of my mind that they think different of me all the time.)
I have no idea what I’m going to do after this third year ends, and I hate it when people ask me, so I’ve decided that I’m just going to focus on getting this degree, which will more likely than not prove to be of no use to me in the future because that would be just my luck, and relaxing for something like a year… yeah… maybe get my driving license… and a job too, those are always good…ish.